Welcome Back Gore

Jim Lehrer and presidential candidates Buck Minster Fuller and Ronald M. Donald are present. The setting is that of televised debate. All characters frequently get confused and pause for long mysterious stretches of silence. Each statement is like a question about whether or not they really exist and speak or not. They all speak haltingly.

Jim Lehrer

Hello
We are in dead time.

Buck and Ronald

Is my hair all right?

Jim Lehrer

Hello
Good evening…
This is Jim Lehrer of the formerly McNeil-Lehrer news show. Now it is the Jim Lehrer News Hour.

I’m here….
With two candidates for the presidency
The Presidency of the USA
The United States of America.
The two candidates you are all familiar with: Mr. Buck Minster Fuller and Ronald M. Donald of Lockheed Park Maryland.

This campaign has been a hotbed…

Let’s start with you Mr. Fuller.
Will you make amends?

Buck

Thanks Jim.
I’d like to thank the BBB for having this debate. It is essential to ourselves that we not let politics get in the way of public service. Let me state right off that I will be sticking to the issues that the Americans here are…
…concerned with and not lowering the liveliness of this debate…

Jim Lehrer

You will have three minutes to respond…

Buck

(Attacking Jim)
…with that kind of ridicule, innuendo, and ridiculous accusatorial tones.

Jim Lehrer

(Gestures Buck to look at Ron)
Ah…

Buck

My opponent asks will I make amends. It is he not me who should ask…
(Really long pause)
Is it my turn to speak?

Jim Lehrer

You have one minute remaining.

Buck

Make amends. Yes I have made many almonds, as a boy growing up in a farm in Iowa. I stuck out of the ground in spring and black ravens would sit on my outstretched hands for hours dropping all kinds of things in a futile attempt to gain ground in Iowa.

But my father taught me to stand tall and one day, as he said, he would mend the fence and the ravens would not longer exploit my boy-like sexy naked arms. Which I’m against.
(piped applause)
Thank you.

Jim Lehrer

(wiping tears away)
Do you have a response Ronald to a sad boyhood story like that?

Ronald

Yes I do Jim.
It is touching on the part of my opponent to talk about his boyhood plight stuck, going nowhere in the polls of Des Moines, but you know what is even sadder than that is the plight of our sitting men and women of the armed air forces forced to be grounded without sufficient arms to support them.

Jim Lehrer

(looking up, sitting up straight)
Yes…

Ronald

Mr. Fuller, sir, what have you done for them? Your father would not have built a fence keeping them away from childhood bene-fences. Rather he would have shouted from the cock on the roof’s top which I’m also opposed to…

Jim straightens tie. Ronald interprets this as a signal.

Ronald

Am I out of time?

Jim Lehrer

(looks at watch)
Gentlemen we have to leave it there…
for a moment. Hold your thoughts

Both start writing notes at their podiums.

Cut to JL walking to curb of street in front of studio with his car parked in front of a meter.

A cop in one of those little cars is headed down the street towards him.

JLx stands blocking the view of the expired meter with his arms outstretched.

Cop checks this out.

Cop turns car around and heads off.

JLx sees a little old lady.

The little old lady attempts to feed him something as he stands there. He is unresponsive and she starts backing away.

He reaches for an automatic tucked in the back of his pants.

He shoots her, she falls down, he opens her purse, fishes out some change, and puts it in the meter.

Looking at watch in debate. He has been tripping.

Ronald

Yes Jim it’s a sad commentary on our times that the demicans want to spend all the tax payers money on marijuana support groups. Not that I’m opposed to those who have sixties flashbacks…

Jim Lehrer

(perspiring, looks nervous)
Next we’ll turn to domestic issues. As you know Mr. Fuller Mr. Donald has said “you suck” in public several times in the last few days. CMM carried it, MSSCCB what ever comes next carried it, we at the BBB don’t usually carry such slangy stuff, but we almost were going to carry it…

(long awkward pause)

Buck

Thanks Jim. Such reference on the part of my opponent to cephalic phase intercourse between consenting adults is abhorrent to every boner I have ever had. I don’t condemn it. I laugh at it.

Ha ha

Mr. Donald!

Ha ha

Flash to traffic cop being interviewed by other policemen in front of dead little old lady.

JLx holding his head.

Side Line Crew

(trying to get JLx to talk)
Jim…
Jim…

Buck

Well if the moderator isn’t going to do something about these statements.

Buck gathers a briefcase by his podium together, opens it and removes a large squirt gun – one of those pump jobs.

He moves in front of Ronald.

Ronald

(lets fly a squirt)
Suck this Bucky.

Jim Lehrer

(regaining himself)
Gentlemen!
Ronny put that away.

Ronald

I will put my gun away Jim
for you and all you do.
But America you have seen tonight a new low on the part of my opponent.
As a boy I suffered rain, clouds, and violence, but I stand up now for the disenfranchised, the humbled masses, clumped earth longing to break ground.

We shall overcome.

Jim Lehrer

Thank you Senator.
And Mr. Fuller your response?
Are farm subsidies too much under HR23387 or as you’ve just heard are they just about correct under the circumstances of the war in Kuwait City?

Buck

Taxation without the repatriation act is a sin before all men and women of color and good sexual orientation.

I stand before the judge of my peers drenched with hyperbole form this man and say to my gay friends in that whatever it is…

(fumbling with notes)
go for Irish gay vote…

parade thing

I am not gay, but if I had to wish I was I would unfold myself before my God and say “help make amends brother.
(looking at Jim)
Time for closing remarks?

Jim nods

Buck

Finally my fellow unicorns ask not what you can do from your seat or couch or sofa ask rather whether or not I need a towel to dry my hair with.

Tonight I appeal not to your selfish interests in maintaining a clean hanky, hopefully a large bath towel, or sponge, but rather whether or not you are willing to see injustice, violence redressed with 100% cotton?

Thank you.

Jim gets up and takes out his hanky, walks over and gives it to Buck.

Jim gestures for the audience to do the same.

They all meditatively get up and over Buck their hankies and other things.

He, Elvis like, wipes his head and returns each item.

Ronald is looking nervous. Adjusts himself. Takes out a mirror and adjusts his hair.

Cut back to JLx shaking his head. He’s dreamt again the scene.

Ronald

You know a man once said to be is not to be bad. My opponent, a good friend of mine from way, way back is. And that is is the problem. Do we want someone who just is or do we want someone who at least might be someday more than he is right now?

Everyday I get up and I say to myself “I is. Be.” My opponent gets up and says “oh great, I’m not dizzy today – a black musician. He is therefore really prejudice and unwilling to lend a helping hand to those in need and that’s a shame.
(a light, like in court hearings)
I see my light is on.

so let me conclude…
(light starts blinking wildly
JLx bangs its button)
by simply repeating: I is. Be. Indeed I am the candidate for the little forgotten people, the types who feel like they are extras in men in black II. That’s why I say to all Leoni Pizza Little Italy people a am for you. Together we can get more pizza than my opponent before the beer comes. Vote and vote for me. Read, read the instructions first.

Thanks Jim and thank you America for peeing properly.

JLx and the crew attack Buck with bats. The audience is encouraged to join in. In the mêlée a roving reporter, Andrea Mitchel walks in front of the scene and talks to network convention headquarters. In the background Buck is lynched, duck tape is used, etc..

Andrea Mitchell

Well it was a close debate Peter.
But polls indicate RMD won it by a landslide, as you can see behind me the crowd has joined the candidates.

Peter Jennings

(network headquarters)
Weren’t you with NBC Andrea?

Andrea Mitchell

I was Peter.

Peter Jennings

Well you look great as a woman Andrea.
May I say that?

Andrea Mitchell

(touches earphone)
Thanks Peter.
I didn’t hear that Peter.

Peter Jennings

We are apparently having audio difficulties.
Let’s turn to our guests…
(seated at round table)
Mr. Big Bird of the BBB, Michael Douglas of Sesame Street and Walter Pidgin
(old actor with thin moustache)
of the Dead Actors Guild.
He’ll be joining us via remote.
(Walter old movie clips)
Let’s start with Mr. Bird.

Mr. Bird heretofore a little elevated on his chair, sits down firmly and thus deflates a whoppi cushion underneath him.

Peter Jennings

Yes
Thank you.
Do you share that view Michael?

Michael Douglas

Well not exactly.

Peter Jennings

Oh

Walter Pidgeon

(random head shots of him speaking)
Blah…blah

Michael Douglas

I believe it’s my turn to speak!

Peter Jennings

Yes.
Go ahead

Walter Pidgeon

(random head shots of him speaking)
Blah…blah

Peter Jennings

You’ll have your turn Walter
Go ahead Mr. Douglas.

Michael Douglas

Thank you.
Mr. Bird’s comment.
May I…
(retrieves cushion, inflates, etc)
Is not all together accurate.
I think some kind of burping sound would be a much better characterization of the debate. Something like
(burp effects)
is a more accurate sense of what happened tonight.

Walter Pidgeon

(random head shots of him speaking)
Blah…blah

Michael Douglas

(responding to Walter)
Well that may be.

Somebody gets carried away with the sound effects. Sounds of a horse, then a laugh track.

Peter Jennings

If we could just use the given tracks and I’d like not to have to ask again.

Michael Douglas

I was saying
(Mr. Bird places his hand on
 Michael’s, looks at him longingly)
that Buck beat Ronald despite the squirt gun farce. And it was a farce.
(referring to Bird)
Would you mind having this Mr. Bird character taking his hand off of my leg?

I did the thing with the whoppi cushion and I expect to get paid.

All right?

Mr. Bird takes his hand away, takes out purse, and starts attempting to apply lipstick using a pocket mirror.

PJx touches earphone.

Peter Jennings

Let’s go to Andrea Mitchell…
Andrea…

She’s standing in front of quickly clearing stage.

It looks like a war zone: bodies lying around, etc…

Andrea Mitchell

(with shaving crème on face)
Thanks Walter
Peter
(thinking to herself outloud)
Wrong network, time zone
I’m standing…

Peter Jennings

Andrea Mitchell from the BBB studios.

What do you think about that Michael?

Michael Douglas

Well she is obviously drunk or on some kind of dope.

Walter Pidgeon

(random head shots of him speaking)
Blah…blah

Peter Jennings

I’ll ask you not to cut in again Walter. Go ahead Michael. And just so you know Mr. Bird is not affiliated with ABC. Go ahead…

Michael Douglas

Yes thankyou.
If she or he or who ever it is tries to kiss me I’ll sue ABC. Just so you know. I don’t care what you say.

Peter Jennings

Andrea…

Andrea Mitchell

(finishes shaving a stroke, puts
mirror away in purse)
Thanks Peter.
I didn’t get that last part of Michael’s comment. But I can say this…

Peter Jennings

Michael. Your response? Can she say “this”?

Bird is in front of Michael kissing him.

Michael Douglas

(with smeared lipstick on him)
Okay the bird can kiss me, but that’s extra. It wasn’t in the agreement before I agreed to do this show.
(wipes mouth, sees lipstick)
That will cost you extra.

Peter Jennings

If we could please sire just have your response to the “this” question.

Michael Douglas

It’s obvious…
Isn’t Peter?

Peter Jennings

It is Peter, not Walter.

Michael Douglas

Let me finish. She could say “this” but that still doesn’t mean she isn’t drunk. I’d like to get back to the debate though, if we could…

Cut to tableau with Birds butt sticking out from underneath the table. He is blowing Michael.

Peter Jennings

The comments of Bird are a sign of the times.

Michael Douglas

(containing himself)
Yes they are Peter and as the saying goes a bird in the hand is…

Peter Jennings

Andrea go ahead…

Andrea Mitchell

(with a moustache)
Well that’s some of what happened tonight, but behind the scenes I can tell you the word is Walter One by 2 points over ABC and affiliates.

I’m sorry Peter.

Peter Jennings

Andrea Mitchell from the studios of BBB.

Groaning from Micheael.

Peter Jennings

Michael…
Final thoughts…

Mr. Bird returns to upright position, lights a cigarette.

Michael Douglas

Yes…
Let me just look at the script here for a second…
(takes a few beats)

Peter Jennings

Please we are live, on the air…

Michael Douglas

Hey there was some problems…
Okay?

Michael moves finger over script.

Andrea Mitchell wearing a hat like Lincolns (tall, stovepipe) walks in and taps Mr. Bird on the shoulder. Mr. Bird gets up and walks off camera.

She sits down in Birds place.

Peter Jennings

Andrea
This isn’t going to work.

Michael Douglas

(looking at Andrea)
Shit. Give me a fucking brake!

Peter Jennings

We are live, sir.

Michael Douglas

So piss on me.

Andrea Mitchell

I didn’t like what you said about me while I wasn’t here.

Michael Douglas

(looking at Peter)
You know there are limits.

Walter Pidgeon

(random head shots of him speaking)
Blah…blah

Split screen with Walter and Michael

Michael Douglas

Hey do you mind?

Peter Jennings

Please…
You had your chance to speak.
Go on…

Walter Pidgeon

(random head shots of him speaking)
Blah…blah

Andrea Mitchell

You can eat me or you can eat my hat. What’s it going to be?

Michael Douglas

My God. Have you people no sense of decency!

Peter Jennings

It’s your choice Michael.

Mr. Bird re-emerges and holds MD’s head. Mr. Bird is strong.

Walter Pidgeon look-a-likes come out and hold Mike’s arms down.

Mike struggles.

Then resigns himself to his fate.

Michael Douglas

The hat, the hat…

Peter Jennings

Good.

Peter gets up and removes Andrea’s hat.

Peter Jennings

You know Michael I don’t like doing this, but you must learn to respect other people’s opinions.

During this entire broadcast you were rude to Andrea, Mr. Bird and Walter Pidgin, a renowned, albeit dead actor.

Andrea moves around to face Michael.

Behind her shoulder shot.

Peter Jennings

(detail of hat inserted)
I want you to eat this section of Lincoln’s hat.

It’s made of edible material.

Michael Douglas

(closeup)
If I eat that piece of that hat I’m never going to do another show for this stinking network.

Andrea clicks open a brief case, takes out a pump squirt gun and drenches Michael, as Bird and Pidgin hold him.

Peter stands back.

Peter Jennings

That’s the kind of attitude Mr. Douglas that is just beyond us to accept.

Now the hat and I don’t want any more comments.

Close up of Mike chomping down on piece of hat.

Walter Cronkite

And that’s the way it is.

This is Walter Cronkite from – headquarters.

jl bb rs mds pj xx