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News :: Arts : Economy : Elections & Legislation : Miscellaneous |
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The Muse and Whirled Retort for 2004-05 |
Current rating: 0 |
by Anne & Chan, reposted by Kotheimer
Email: herringb (nospam) prairienet.org (unverified!) |
07 Jan 2005
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Chris Chandler and Anne Feeney are a touring political folk duo who've often visited Urbana-Champaign, hosted by the IMC or by the Aroma Cafe in Champaign. They publish an "annual report" of sorts, which is always lively reading. Here it is: |
T H E . M U S E . A N D . W H I R L E D . R E T O R T
Happy new year from Chris Anne and Chris’ new musical cohort Jo Smith!
this is a monthly newsletter subscribed to by thousands feel free to forward it on
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Please check out:
http://www.chrischandler.org
http://www.annefeeney.com
http://www.joanasmith.net
and as always to get our CDs http://www.cdbaby.com/all/unionmaid
T H E . M U S E . A N D . W H I R L E D . R E T O R T
January, 2005
Atlanta, GA
Volume 6 issue 4
By: Chris Chandler
Hey Everybody,
It’s that time of the month again. Well, OK it is that time of the year. For the
past few years in January I have written a year in review. I thought I would take a
little of the time we have and look back on the way we have spent the time we had in
the hopes that we can make the most of what time we have left.
Will Rogers said, “Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the
time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Some people talk of killing time – but the truth is it is slowly killing us.
January, 2004
The year starts off with former Bush cabinet member Paul O’Neill saying on 60
minutes that the Bush administration was planning on invading Iraq long before
September eleventh. He went on to say that the sky is blue, the earth is round and
that the George’s dog was indeed named after the president’s mentor, a purple
dinosaur.
Iowa democrats respond by selecting a slab of Melba-toast-with-cantaloupe-chutney to
win the Iowa Caucus. Former frontrunner Howard Dean begins to scream. So do I.
Having learned a valuable lesson taught by insurgents in Iraq, the US began looking
for a place we could more easily colonize by linking up with Radio Shack ®.
Together they send a remote-control car to Mars. George Bush gets upset when he is
not allowed to operate the joystick.
A failure in one of the vehicles is said to be caused by a Martian remote control
car bomb which was detonated in the Martian insurgent stronghold near the Bonneville
crater. Martians loyal to Osama Bin Laden are said to be at the cause.
Halliburton wins the bid to reconstruct the crater.
In February, 2004
Good news for Republicans across America continues to pour in as the democratic slab
of Melba-toast-with-cantaloupe-chutney wins five states. Joe Lieberman announces he
will drop out of the race – the news comes as a particular shock since no one knew
he was actually in the race.
In San Francisco more than 85 couples tie the knot after Mayor Gavin Newsom orders
the city clerk's office to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples.
President Bush responds by endorsing a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage
saying marriage between a man and a woman is “the most fundamental institution of
civilization.” Since the divorce rate among straight people has topped 50 percent
our most fundamental institution should not be extenended to anyone. I mean, if
Bush wants to end gay sex he should legalize gay marriage. Think about it.
Janet Jackson follows suit by showing just how moral heterosexuals are by flashing
the entire world during the Super Bowl ® Half Time Show. Paris Hilton ® says
“That’s Hot.”
Scientists in Korea announce that they have cloned human embryos. George Bush
responds by announcing a ban on homosexual cloning.
In March, 2004
Happy homemaker Martha Stewart was found guilty of conspiracy, making false
statements and obstruction of justice. Having been tipped off in advance that the
verdict would be guilty Martha dumped shares of Omni-vision ® and bought up shares
of Court TV ®.
With the verdict in and ratings for Court TV ® expected to plummet, she announced
she would appeal and signed the rights to her next court appearances to Court TV ®.
She also signed a deal for a later appearance with former superstar Michael Jackson.
Martha makes millions while in jail and there is no need to appeal, though experts
agree the ratings would be good.
Donning an orange jumpsuit and stainless steel bracelets she remains the home
decoration queen but not with out a serious threat to her crown from the cast of
Queer Eye for the Stereotype.
In April, 2004
Congressmen discover photographs of prisoners at the Abu Ghraib prison while
visiting various S&M porn sites including www.lickmyapplepie.com hosted by American
service personnel. In an effort to deflect attention from the fact that they were
looking at the porn site in the first place seventeen common foot soldiers are
arrested.
In an unrelated story… Worldwide condemnation of the American war effort ensues.
Insurgents in Fallujah and Basra begin to rebel as five coordinated suicide attacks
in Basra kill 68 people. It becomes apparent that ‘Insurgent’ is really the wrong
word here – because ANYONE in Iraq who is not actually employed by the US military
IS an insurgent. ‘Insurgent” is simply a synonym for ‘Iraqi.’ It has now been
proposed that the name of the country be switched from Iraq to The Holy Muslim
Nation of Insurgency.
In May, 2004
The Labor department announces that in the name of national security corporations
are no longer required to pay overtime to any one who is a “manager.” The Mc
Donald’s ® corporation then super-sizes all of its employees to management positions
such as French fry manager and supervisor of floor mopping operations.
At hearings before the Senate and House Armed Services committees, Secretary of
Defense Donald Rumsfeld apologizes to Iraqis who endured torture by members of the
U.S. military.
All was forgiven.
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, sends a Hallmark card to the beleaguered secretary of defense
saying, ‘no hard feelings, chum’. al-Zarqawi says that he was encouraged by the
fact that the US Justice department has reopened the 1955 case of Emmett Till and at
this rate Rumsfeld may too be prosecuted for war crimes in the year 2059. Rumsfeld
will be one hundred twenty seven. Pinochet will be awaiting trial.
Despite increasing number of calls for Rumsfeld to resign, President Bush continues
to support him, saying if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have those Abu Ghraib
pictures as my desktop.
In June, 2004
The nation is stunned, silenced, staggered with grief when a truly great American
dies.
George Bush finds himself behind in the polls until Ronald Reagan passes prompting
Court TV ® to make a programming change and begin airing a two week uninterrupted
special on the life of Ronald Reagan. Ratings soar. All other stations follow
suit.
Present at the funeral are all living former presidents as well as Gerald Ford and
former soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev. Conspicuously absent was former Nicaraguan
President Daniel Ortega and Martha Stewart ®.
As for the anguishing nation – it remains shocked and shaken as it continues to
mourn the death of a truly great American… Ray Charles.
In July, 2004
The 9-11 commission reports that there never was a connection between Al Qaeda and
Saddam Hussein and further states that the sky is blue, the earth is round and that
George would like to overturn the 13th amendment.
In August, 2004
The Olympics return to Athens for the second time in 3000 years. The Iraqi women’s
softball team performs below expectations losing a best of five series to Liberia.
In Iraq plans are set for a January election. Polls show the Insurgent party
narrowly leading the Insurrection party 48 to 44. The US backed “Friends of the
American Military Party” is polling at roughly the same numbers as Ralph Nader.
In Russia two passenger planes go down within minutes of each other. Terrorists are
blamed. Twelve hours later a suicide bomber detonates a bomb outside a Moscow
subway station, killing nine others and wounding more than fifty. Twelve hours
later in Kabul, at least seven people die in attack on American company that
provides security for President Hamid Karzai. On the same day a
dozen Nepalese laborers are executed by Iraqi insurgents. Twelve hours later two
buses blow up in Israel killing 16 people.
Eight hours later in the United States however, the big story is hotel heiress Paris
Hilton's ® search for her beloved Chihuahua Tinkerbelle is finally over, after the
pooch is found alive. A distraught Hilton initially offered a $1,000 reward, which
was quickly upped to a $5,000 payment for the dog's return.
In September, 2004
Armed militants attack a school in the southern Russian province of North Ossetia
near Chechnya and hold teachers, school children and parents hostage. Columbine’s
Trench Coat Mafia denies responsibility saying, “With the collapse of the Evil
Empire it looks like Russia is becoming more like the United States every day.”
South Korea tells the International Atomic Energy Agency that in 2000 a group of
rogue scientists have produced a small amount of near weapons-grade uranium stating
“The only way we are going to get the genie back in the bottle is to get a bigger
bottle and the only way we can get that much glass is – well – ya know all that sand
in Iraq?”
Paris Hilton ® replies, “That’s hot.”
The slab of Melba-toast-with-cantaloupe-chutney reports for duty wearing a military
helmet on loan from Michael Dukakis.
CBS ® claims that George Bush received special treatment in the Texas Air National
Guard. Also revealed is that the sky is blue, the earth is round and that the grass
(while being green) is too high at one and one half inches.
In September, 2004
New York Times reports that about 380 tons of powerful explosives disappeared from
military installation called Al Qaqaa. Donald Rumsfeld says he believes there is a
connection between the missing explosives and the recent eruption of Mt St Helens.
The American public buys it. George Bush snickers, “Do they really call it All
Caa-Caa?” as his popularity surges to an unprecedented 50.25 percent majority in the
polls.
In October, 2004
Australian and Indonesian archaeologists have unearthed skeletons of tiny people who
are being called Homo floresiensis. These 3-foot-tall people had very long arms,
heads the size of grapefruit, their descendents have has been traced to prominent US
dignitaries including the 19th century born investment banker and rubber baron
Prescott Bush ®.
A freak artic cold front wreaks havoc causing frozen water pipes to burst all over
Hades as the Boston Red Sox win the World Series.
In November, 2004
Armageddon begins in the US as George Bush is elected president.
In December, 2004
Mrs. Agnes Pinscher of Ft Walton Beach, Florida drafted a letter to FEMA asking for
more Federal aid money to pay for water damage caused by the hurricanes that ran
through her suburban towne-house leaving her with a lingering mildew problem. In
the letter she stated, “These hurricanes helped George Bush win the state of
Florida, and no amount of federal money can undo that damage.”
The letter was misaddressed and wound up at a MailBoxes, Etc ® somewhere on Mt
Olympus. The heavy-eyed gods woke up, hung over and read the letter – which informed
them that George was indeed elected while they were out drinking. The mere sight of
George W Bush on national television sounding like a red neck with a speech
impediment saying, “I have earned political capital and I intend to spend it,”
forced the long-sleeping gods to respond -- bringing about the largest natural
disaster in recorded human history. Some estimates say the death toll will reach
300,000.
George Bush denies responsibility for the tsunami, and blames Osama Bin Laden.
January, 2005
Chris Chandler writes a letter to several thousand of the greatest folks alive
asking, please, please can we do everything possible to make this a better year
than the last one. |
This work is in the public domain |
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Re: The Muse and Whirled Retort for 2004-05 |
by Anne Feeney
unionmaid at earthlink.net (unverified) |
Current rating: 0
10 Jan 2005
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Thanks for posting that, Paul! I just want to add that chandler and I will be visiting Champaign again in February of 2005 - Details will be posted at http://www.annefeeney.com/calendar.html as they become available... |
