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News :: Miscellaneous |
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Imaginary Media Conglomerate |
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by Franklin Nord
Email: fnord8102 (nospam) altavista.com (unverified!)
Address: Springfield, Illinois |
03 Feb 2001
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Illinois Drug Education Alliance to Begin Educating About Drugs |
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
FEBRUARY 3, 2001
FOR MORE INFORMATION
CONTACT FRANKLIN NORD
fnord8102 (at) altavista.com
Illinois Drug Education Alliance to Begin Educating About Drugs
The Illinois Drug Education Alliance announced in a press conference yesterday that, 19 years after its formation, the organization has begun pursuing the vision expressed in its name. IDEA founder Joan Bellm explains, “The idea of IDEA is to educate. The root meaning of ‘educate’ is to draw out or lead forth. We have begun to expose the truth about drugs, to contradict the omissions, misrepresentations, and outright lies of our society’s ‘War on Drugs,’ which we like to call the War on Users of Some Drugs.”
Joyce Lohrentz, president of IDEA, stepped down from her position yesterday, and in a profound gesture of disappointment with her country, plans to revoke her US citizenship. She explained, “I’ve spent so much effort perpetrating a harmful, ineffective, hypocritical campaign that I just can’t carry on knowing what I know now, that cannabis is less addictive than alcohol and tobacco, knowing that psychedelic drugs have been successfully used in psychotherapy. Occasional cocaine use does not lead to addiction! The Netherlands, with their lenient position on drugs, has far fewer teens smoking pot than America does. And America’s murder rate is 4 1/2 times that of the Netherlands! My former idol, Office of National Drug Control Policy ‘anti-drug czar’ Gen. Barry McCaffrey actually lied about those statistics! I’m applying for Dutch citizenship tomorrow.”
IDEA is now issuing a call for active users of drugs that happen to be illegal to apply for IDEA’s board of directors. IDEA’s new vision is to promote individual responsibility and autonomy. “Nobody knows how to run your life better than you. Plenty of alcoholics, gambling addicts, and shopaholics blow their life savings and go deep into debt for pointless activities that are destructive emotionally, socially, and ecologically,” exclaims Bellm.
At the press conference, Bellm wore a black ski mask to cover her face, symbolic of her new distrust of government power and thus alliance with the growing numbers of anarchists in America. Bellm also smoked a pipe, which she explained was inspired by Mexican insurgent Zapatista Subcomandante Marcos, her new hero. “The Zapatistas established autonomous communities in the jungles of Mexico, an inspiration to everyone who feels disillusioned with society’s obsession with hierarchy and control. ˇLa lucha continua!”
With this crazy-talk gibberish, police moved in to restrain Bellm, and the area was cleared with tear gas and pepper spray. Bellm reportedly has escaped the Macoupin County Jail and is hiding out, organizing an armed insurgent group called the Cannabistas. Tomorrow the federal government is expected to impose a curfew on central Illinois and establish permanent highway checkpoints in order to stop this threat to your liberty.
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