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News :: Miscellaneous |
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Imaginary Media Conglomerate |
Current rating: 0 |
by Franklin Nord
Email: fnord8102 (nospam) altavista.com (unverified!)
Address: Springfield, Illinois |
28 Jan 2001
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A press release from 23 Skidoo (Public Relations for the Imagination), a division of the Imaginary Media Conglomerate. |
SPRINGFIELD, ILLINOIS—Springfield developers announced today their plans to create a more beautiful Springfield by putting into place a code of beauty for the city. Gone will be the revolting sight of wide-open prairie and timber, replaced by strip malls and row after row of identical housing.
“We are really disgusted by the lack of paved surfaces in Sangamon County,” says local developer Leonard Sapp. “Detailed analysis shows that we have only 57.6% of the county covered by manmade materials. Our hope is to increase this amount to 75% by the year 2020, with completion by 2025.”
Rich bastard William Cellini couldn’t agree more. “The more sprawl, the more money for me!” said Cellini as he rolled around in $100 bills in his backyard jacuzzi near Washington Park. “I may owe the State of Illinois hundreds of millions of dollars, but I just keep raking in the dough! Ahhhh, corporate loopholes.”
Specifically called for in the Beatification Project is the replacement of Riverside Park with the Riverside Water Park, using water pumped in from Hunter Lake. The creation of natural areas around Hunter Lake is the only proposed “natural” area called for in the Beatification Project. Stapp states, “We need this new Hunter Lake. I don’t care if it’s expensive; it’s taxpayer money! I don’t care if it’s unneeded and wasteful. That’s what natural resources are for.” Becker Woods is to be replaced by Snotti Bourgeois Mansions, and Carpenter Park will be reclaimed and developed into Industrial Park.
But it’s not just living things that will be paved over with concrete. Developers also have plans for the city’s impoverished East side. “That’s a lot of land that’s fairly close to downtown. Those people have just squandered the opportunity to rake in the dough for years. First, we’re going to put into place impossible Beatification guidelines that those people could never afford to meet. Next, we’ll fine the hell out of them for disobeying the guidelines. If they don’t leave then, we’ll have them arrested for whatever crime they’re about to commit.” After all of the people are gone, several projects are slated to begin on Springfield’s East side. One is the Abraham Lincoln Memorial Prison, erected in the memory of this nation’s Greatest President Ever. The Sprawlopolis Mall is also on the drafting board, the largest structure to encompass the least amount of anything relevant to our daily lives.
Mayor Hasara is thrilled with the planned progress. “This will bring a lot of money to Sangamon County. Of course, it will all be going to a few select people, but who really cares about that? As long as developers are making shitloads of money, we’re happy to bend over for them.”
The Beatification plan is available at local public libraries. There will be no citizen comment, public forum, or otherwise newsworthy opposition to the Beatification Project, as Springfield developers have local government and newsmedia in their back pockets.
—23— |
